I used to get very anxious about tough conversations that would need to be had. I would do 2 things:
- Think about all the scenarios in my head. What if they say this? What if they say that? I should respond like this. Etc.
- Avoid having the tough convo because I was so anxious about having it. The thinking of all the scenarios in my head didn't help.
Anyways, over the past 4 months or so, I've started to live for tough convos. If there's something on my mind that's bugging me, I've been "running into the burning building" to try to address it ASAP Rocky.
For me, I sort have home come to this point because I realized:
- It turns out that lots of your anxiety is actually just made up in your head and doesn't represent objective reality. So all the worst case scenarios you are playing in your head, well there's a very low probability that they actually come true. “We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” — Seneca
- Let the convo and it's conclusions self-select for you. If it turns out that having a tough convo with the other person makes them go ape shit, umm maybe you don't want to be around that person much. (assuming you were reasonable, empathetic, etc.) I sort of see it like being a firefighter and running into a burning building. Either we are going to put the fire out and everything will be alright OR the house will collapse and I'd die.
Some tools to utilize:
1.Aggressive, Passive, Assertive framework Passive = my need < your need Aggressive = my need > your need Assertive = my need = your need
2. Three main goals in any intereaction:
- Gaining our objective
- Maintaining our relationships
- Keeping our self-respect You'll need to prioritize those based on the situation at hand.
I think these tough convos are really good. Rather than having a HUGE CONFLICT, where things have been on people's chests for months and they haven't admitted to how they are feeling, it seems like a good idea to have regularly scheduled, mini-conflicts, where you air stuff out that has been on your mind. This is like the relationship routines I described here.
Written: October 23, 2020